“GAHLIA EDEN 2020”

Are you tired of phony politicians who only tell you what you want to hear? Well too bad, because here comes another one! Gahlia Eden is (by our count) the 875th democratic candidate to throw her hat in the ring, and she brings a powerful message: why not? As good a campaign slogan as any, I suppose. Gahlia intends to ride her message to the White House by doing what all successful politicians do: say different things at different times so people can pick and choose what they like best. So join Gahlia as she begins her campaign to be your democratic nominee in 2020. Because if Beto O' Rourke can do it, it's clear that no one is really paying attention anyway!

Meet Zacarria, an average guy on an average day, making a totally above-average fruit salad. He can’t quite place it but something doesn’t feel right. Between the dizzy spells, odd visions and strange noises, it’s almost as if something he has tried to repress is elbowing its way back to the surface. Suddenly, a woman in black stands in the doorway. Our hero presents a peace offering but it is to no avail. Old feelings start to reemerge. First joy, then pain. Intense pain. Finally, nothing at all. No one can account for the whereabouts of Zacarria or the mysterious woman these days but if you listen close, you may just hear the sound of sides splitting in the woods of West Orange.

“GRANDMA PAT”

LOOKING for a NEW PLACE of RESIDENCE??? Grandma Pat is on the SEARCH for a NEW TENANT!! Her BEAUTIFUL TWO STORY HOUSE is located downtown in a FANTASTIC neighborhood where public transportation is TWO BLOCKS AWAY, you're a CLOSE WALK to the WATER, LOTS OF PARKS, and TO DIE FOR RESTAURANTS!!! She is far from a mild mannered woman and has A FEW RULES but they are ALL TOTALLY UNDERSTANDABLE. The WALLS are THIN, the ROOMS are SMALL, the BATHROOM is SHARED, there is KITTY LITTER EVERYWHERE, and Grandma Pat will not take any of your CRAP. YOU can have the chance to be this LUCKY NEW TENANT! Don't MISS this GREAT OPPORTUNITY! Apply now to interview with Grandma Pat over the phone and you can SAVE 1% on your FIRST MONTHS RENT!! ***IF YOU ARE NOT A CAT PERSON DON'T RESPOND TO THIS ADD!!!!!!!

“JASMINE, JASMINE”

To put it simply, Jasmine Jasmine is an inspiration. A true beacon for everyone who has ever been told “you can’t.” Jasmine (x2) is more than just a motivational speaker, she’s a motivational actor. That is, she acts motivationally. Armed with the knowledge of how to control society’s most perplexing inventions, Jasmine Jasmine --Jasmine--- has decided to take to the street to teach the uninitiated things that people like Monica (rofl) can only dream of knowing. Now turn your Chapsticks up and purse those lips tight as this modern-day Mozart conducts a symphony of smarting.

“JUST DON’T”

When life gets hard, fight back. If you get knocked down, get back up. Maybe even get back up a second time. At a certain point, though, you need to realize you’re just kidding yourself. I mean, who do you think you are? Rocky Balboa? That was just a movie. A real-life Rocky would almost certainly develop debilitating brain injuries later in life. No one wants that. Instead, stay down. Relax. Maybe grab a nap. Because hey, the heat death of the universe is inevitable and there’s nothing you can do to change that. But while you’re here, you can eat donuts, drink beer, and have a good laugh thinking of all the poor saps who think they can just do it.

“FINKER CUP”

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